


I Am Not My Body

by Amari



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Other, ftm!Ray, trans!Ray
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-11
Updated: 2014-02-11
Packaged: 2018-01-11 23:47:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,584
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1179389
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amari/pseuds/Amari
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The doubt started with a small, unlabeled bottle of pills.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Am Not My Body

Joel blinked a few times, unsure of what he was looking at. He didn’t know what to make of it. Surely, there had to be an explanation, some reason for what he was seeing.

Unlabeled pill bottles, lined up neatly in Ray’s top drawer.

Joel looked back at Ray, who was sleeping soundly in his bed. All Joel had wanted to do was snoop for a little bit because he couldn’t sleep, instead he found something bigger. He wanted to know what they were about. He wanted to know if his boyfriend had some sort of drug problem, or if it was medical. But if it was medical, why wouldn’t have Ray said something?

Sure, they had been going out for two months now, but something like… this… was important. Something that should probably have been shared. But Joel also understood that maybe not everything was to be shared. Kind of like Ray’s body sensitivity. Ray never liked being touched too much, and when Joel got a little… frisky, Ray always pulled away, or swatted Joel’s hands. Joel always fought with himself to give Ray the space he needed. He always struggled because he wanted to snuggle and be constantly close to Ray, but maybe this… the pills… had something do with it.

No.

This was Ray’s secret… and it was his to keep… but if he was into drugs… Weed is one thing, but…

Joel shook his head and closed the drawer. Crawling back into bed was going to be a useless endeavor , but he was going to try anyway. As usual, he kept his space between them in the bed, a space that felt like a canyon.

From that night on, Joel had to swallow a part of himself with every glance, every word, every moment he spent with Ray. The secret refused to bury itself among his thoughts. It always lingered there, reminding him that Ray was keeping something from him.  The words he held back pooled in his mouth like poison, wanting to spill out at any moment.  And even if the words didn’t come out of his mouth, his actions were tainted. Like how Ray pulled away from his touch, Joel pulled away from Ray entirely.

Conversations became shorter, Joel stopped coming over, under the guise that he was ‘busy.’  It tore him apart because he was reacting in the one way he shouldn’t be. He should be loving, and understanding, but all he was doing was distancing himself. A knife just buried itself deeper into his chest day by day.

He could only imagine what Ray must be feeling. If Ray was noticing anything at all.

Of course he was. He wasn’t dumb. He was sensitive to these things. Joel noticed that Ray had also retreated. At this point, it was up in the air if they were still together. They barely spoke, they could hardly be considered friends.

All because of a secret.

Joel swallowed harshly. The poison slid down his throat as he gathered courage. Clinging onto seemingly invisible strings that was holding their relationship together, he finally texted Ray.

“Hey. I want to come over today, I’m not busy for once.” His fingers sent away the message, and he held his breath until the response came.

“Alright. Cool. Been awhile.” Joel could physically feel himself breathe again.

“Yeah. It has been.” Joel smiled at his phone, even though he knew Ray wouldn’t see it, “I’ll come over after work.”

And from there, he went into something familiar and automatic. Like the damage that had been done during Joel’s retreat had vanished. He drove to Ray’s place, putting his coat on the hanger, like he had done so many times, keys in the bowl on the counter, shoes next to the door. All so routine and comforting.

He slid onto the couch, next to Ray, careful of his arm that snaked behind him.

“Hey.” Joel greeted. He was an actor, acting like nothing was wrong came easy sometimes.

“Hi, stranger. Where’ve you been?” Ray asked honestly, tipping his head back to it touched Joel’s arm. It was a comforting touch that had so much more weight to it than words could. A reconnection of skin, of hearts. Joel dreaded that he was probably going to shatter it all.

“I… yeah. I’ve been busy. You know how it can get for me sometimes.” Joel lied through his perfect teeth.

Ray nodded in quiet understanding. “Yeah.  I know. It kinda sucks sometimes, but I get it.”

Joel’s heart seized in his chest. He could continue lying, continue acting like he never saw those pills, and be happy with Ray. Be happy with the careful touching, and probably never having sex, but he’d still be happy. There was something that, even in this small conversation, that made him feel happy. Something about just looking at Ray gave him a sense of youth.

“I’ve missed you.” Joel admitted, pulling back his hand, and rubbing the back of his fingers along Ray cheek. A gentle touch that he had missed so much.

Ray smiled sweetly, “I’ve missed you too. The bed gets lonely when there isn’t someone else in it.”

The bedroom. The pills in the drawer. Flashes of memory that had caused this rift to happen ripped into him once more.

“Ray…” He began, his voice trembling. “I need to ask you something…”

Ray looked confused, “What is it?”

Joel glanced into the hallway, where Ray’s room was, and then back to Ray. “Just one moment.” He stood from the couch, leaving Ray by himself, while he went to the bedroom. Each step was heavy with betrayal. Like he was walking off a plank, putting the noose around his neck, walking toward the edge of a cliff. He struggled to open the drawer, knowing the contents inside. The orange bottles that caused this mess, stared him in the face. Long fingers curled around one of the plastic bottles, and he pulled it out.

The walk back to the living room was even harder, knowing that Ray was waiting for him. He clenched his fingers around the bottle as he emerged from the bedroom. Ray was waiting patiently, like the good little boyfriend he was. An unsuspecting smile plastered on his face.

But that was quickly replaced with sheer terror as Joel placed the burning little bottle on the table in front of him.  Joel kneeled on the carpet, opposite of Ray.

“I…. uh… Ray… what is this?” Joel asked, probably more accusingly than he intended.

Ray was white as a sheet. He had cured back up into the couch, staring straight at the bottle, only sometimes glancing at Joel. It was as if taking his eyes off the bottle would cause it to jump up and bite either of them.

After receiving no verbal answer, Joel tried again, “I mean, if you’ve got some medical issue, that’s cool, if you’ve got some drug problem that’s fine too, we can maybe work on it, because you don’t need that stuff. I’m here for you. I promise.”

Ray’s face had scrunched up into something Joel couldn’t even try and describe. Fear and confusion, mixed with ever other feeling in the emotional rainbow could probably be found in the face Ray made.

“You… won’t leave me… no matter what those pills are, right?” Ray said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Joel nodded, completely honest. “I promise, no matter what they are.”

Ray sighed a sad sigh. One that let out years of anguish but held a twinge of relief.

Ray had a secret, but that it wasn’t one Joel would have expected.

“Those… pills… are testosterone pills.” Ray explained. “I need to take them.”

“Why do you need testosterone pills?” Joel asked carefully.

Ray stood up from his seat. He now towered over the kneeling Joel. “Because… I’m not… I’m… not… Like… I’m a dude, okay? But… I’m not actually a dude, okay? Like… my parts don’t exactly match me.”

Joel was silent for a second, letting it sink in. Every moment that ticked by led Ray down the path of panicking.

“Please, you can leave me, but don’t hate me, that’s all I can really ask for.” Ray pleaded.

“So… you’re just a guy… that doesn’t have a penis?” Joel slowly asked as it processed in his head.

“Basically, yeah.” Ray answered.

“Okay.”

“Okay?”

“Yeah, I get it. You’re still you. Your parts don’t change who you are, yeah?”  Joel said with a shrug, standing now. “Honestly, much easier to accept than you being a drug addict.”

Joel walked over and hugged Ray tightly, pulling the smaller man to his chest. He never wanted to let go, because he knew, he knew how important this was for Ray. To admit something like this, and to do so, he thought, relatively easily. Joel could only imagine how terrified he must have been to say those words, to share his secret. He kissed Ray’s temple.

“I’m not going to leave you.” Joel whispered in his ear, “And I don’t think of you any differently. You are still the Ray I love. No matter your parts.”

“Thank you.” Ray said into Joel’s shoulder, squeezing him tightly, “I love you so goddamn much.”

And they both sighed at the same time, letting out everything they had bottled up in one breath of air. All their worries and apprehensions gone in a gust of wind. A bottle of poison thoughts became a linking bottle of trust. 


End file.
